It's funny how when you're not pregnant, you can usually point out very definitely the reason for your emotions and reactions to people and situations. However, when you're pregnant, suddenly everything is seen through a gauzy veil of hormones.
I seem to never trust my emotions these days. Am I angry, or is it just that my hormones are raging? Is this person a bitch, or am I impatient because I'm having a contraction and my feet are swollen? Do I not want to drive to my mom's because I'm afraid to go in labor or because I feel too down to have a tear-free conversation?
What is wrong with me and what can I do about it? And if it is from hormones, does that mean my feelings are any less justified?
Hmmmmm.
Yesterday I talked about my fears and also about the upcoming induction, unless I'm lucky enough to go in labor spontaneously...not holding my breath. Well, later that night, K came home and we were having dinner, when he said his mother said, "If it's (the induction) at 7 in the morning, I might just stay Sunday night."
This is when I lost it inside...seriously? She didn't even ask!! She just volunteered this. I'm so angry. I know a lot of women would welcome this, but I'm not most women. Honestly, if I were dying, I'd be like the old dog who goes off to die alone. Not joking. At the worst point in the infamous epidural ordeal (see previous post. "Update on ECV"), I asked K to please not touch me. I wanted to be alone during that ordeal and that was as close as I could get considering I was stuck in that bed.
I'm going to be a nervous wreck on Sunday. I went through this with my first son. It's going to be hard enough to relax and sleep, much less worry about socializing with others, smiling, and listening to whatever they have to say.
I sound like a bitch, but I'm a very private person. I want to make Sunday as chill and as comfortable as I can, so I don't end up more nervous than ever.
I also think. If there is any day when what I want should trump what others want, it is the day I give birth!! Too often I push what I want/need aside in favor of what others want/need and I'm so afraid I'll do this yet again and what is turning out already to be a day unlike anything I hoped it would be, will really be a bittersweet day in my memory. I don't want that.
I want to be able to focus on myself and bringing my daughter into the world. I shouldn't have to worry about anything else.
Another thing that was brought up by his mom is the fact that the.17th is R's bday, which is K's soon-to-be ex brother-in-law. So now his sister is like, "Ugh!! Why the 17th?" I'm like fucking seriously, people?
I chose the 17th because K and I met on June 17 and were married this year on June 17th. I thought it would be cool for her to have the birthday of the 17th as well. She'll be born exactly 3 months after our wedding.
Anyway, I'm sick to my soul of hearing when so and so's bday is. I don't give a damn. For me, it'll be Kathryn's birthday.
Why can't people realize there is a fine line between being supportive and being downright pushy?
I'm stressed to the max...on the verge of tears all the time and it is because of a couple of people whom I adore who are making me crazy!
The worst part is I don't know how to go about taking up for myself.
I told K I didn't think it was necessary for her to spend the night or even to come to the hospital at 7. I told my mom this too. My mom is cool with it. She knows me. Plus, if any mom would be there I'd want MY mom there! I just really hope to god K told her no about staying rather than saying "you can if you want, but it isn't necessary."
I don't want company that night and I'm quite likely to hide away upstairs if anyone does come that night. Silly? Maybe. But at this point, I don't give a fuck.
I'm to the point where all of this is feeling like a big disappointment because of the "good intentions" of others and that is so not fair.
I need to find my voice and I need to exercise it in a way that won't hurt others.
:-(
Goddess, give me strength.
I seem to never trust my emotions these days. Am I angry, or is it just that my hormones are raging? Is this person a bitch, or am I impatient because I'm having a contraction and my feet are swollen? Do I not want to drive to my mom's because I'm afraid to go in labor or because I feel too down to have a tear-free conversation?
What is wrong with me and what can I do about it? And if it is from hormones, does that mean my feelings are any less justified?
Hmmmmm.
Yesterday I talked about my fears and also about the upcoming induction, unless I'm lucky enough to go in labor spontaneously...not holding my breath. Well, later that night, K came home and we were having dinner, when he said his mother said, "If it's (the induction) at 7 in the morning, I might just stay Sunday night."
This is when I lost it inside...seriously? She didn't even ask!! She just volunteered this. I'm so angry. I know a lot of women would welcome this, but I'm not most women. Honestly, if I were dying, I'd be like the old dog who goes off to die alone. Not joking. At the worst point in the infamous epidural ordeal (see previous post. "Update on ECV"), I asked K to please not touch me. I wanted to be alone during that ordeal and that was as close as I could get considering I was stuck in that bed.
I'm going to be a nervous wreck on Sunday. I went through this with my first son. It's going to be hard enough to relax and sleep, much less worry about socializing with others, smiling, and listening to whatever they have to say.
I sound like a bitch, but I'm a very private person. I want to make Sunday as chill and as comfortable as I can, so I don't end up more nervous than ever.
I also think. If there is any day when what I want should trump what others want, it is the day I give birth!! Too often I push what I want/need aside in favor of what others want/need and I'm so afraid I'll do this yet again and what is turning out already to be a day unlike anything I hoped it would be, will really be a bittersweet day in my memory. I don't want that.
I want to be able to focus on myself and bringing my daughter into the world. I shouldn't have to worry about anything else.
Another thing that was brought up by his mom is the fact that the.17th is R's bday, which is K's soon-to-be ex brother-in-law. So now his sister is like, "Ugh!! Why the 17th?" I'm like fucking seriously, people?
I chose the 17th because K and I met on June 17 and were married this year on June 17th. I thought it would be cool for her to have the birthday of the 17th as well. She'll be born exactly 3 months after our wedding.
Anyway, I'm sick to my soul of hearing when so and so's bday is. I don't give a damn. For me, it'll be Kathryn's birthday.
Why can't people realize there is a fine line between being supportive and being downright pushy?
I'm stressed to the max...on the verge of tears all the time and it is because of a couple of people whom I adore who are making me crazy!
The worst part is I don't know how to go about taking up for myself.
I told K I didn't think it was necessary for her to spend the night or even to come to the hospital at 7. I told my mom this too. My mom is cool with it. She knows me. Plus, if any mom would be there I'd want MY mom there! I just really hope to god K told her no about staying rather than saying "you can if you want, but it isn't necessary."
I don't want company that night and I'm quite likely to hide away upstairs if anyone does come that night. Silly? Maybe. But at this point, I don't give a fuck.
I'm to the point where all of this is feeling like a big disappointment because of the "good intentions" of others and that is so not fair.
I need to find my voice and I need to exercise it in a way that won't hurt others.
:-(
Goddess, give me strength.
No comments:
Post a Comment
Please feel free to leave a comment!