Induction Set. Grieving a Plan. Letting Go.

40 Weeks 2 Days 

I'm beginning to come to terms with the idea of an induction of my labor. It's certainly not my ideal labor plan...actually, I'm not fully to terms with it. I'm TRYING hard to get there. I'm trying hard to be happy. Why is it hard for me to be happy that I'll get to see my little girl in only 4 days?

Seriously, the disappointment of the labor is trumping the excitement of the birth and that's just not right. I need to snap out of this. Is there some sort of weird hormone thing that happens after your full term? I swear, I feel so completely out of it. I feel just not like myself. I feel down, sad, tired, aggravated, and like I want to crawl into a hole somewhere away from everyone. It's so strange, because last week I felt good.

Eating has become harder and harder, though I do it regularly. It's such a pain, when all I really want to do is sleep the days away. I get up though. I clean house and do all the things a good wife does. I have pork chops out thawing a bit for dinner tonight. I do all that.

Anyway, I should be happy to have a date in sight.
I should be happy about it.

I think approaching it negatively will only make it worse, but I can't help it. I keep seeing the picture in my head that my mom took when I was in labor with Caleb after I had been given the pitocin. I was white as a sheet, I had black rings under my eyes (partly because I was exhausted from not sleeping the night before...KNOWING you're going to give birth the next day is not conducive to a good nights sleep) and partly because the pitocin levels they gave me were high and the contractions were absolutely horrible. That said, I DID give birth to my first child in 6 hours rather than 12 or 18 or some other ungodly number like most first time moms do. I guess that was a plus? I don't know, that entire experience, except for holding him and getting us the heck out of that hospital, was terrible.

I don't want to relive that.

I'm tired of dreading it. I'm tired of writing about it, but I also don't want to talk about it to anyone, because there's not point. It is what it is. I agreed to it, so now I must lie in the bed I've made and I can only hope that everything will be fine.

When I think of the fact that I won't be able to labor in the tub, that really makes me want to cry. I had such a great plan for a gentle, natural birth for my daughter and me. I wanted to create the least stressful environment I could for her first breaths, since having her at home was out of the question.

Preparing for Induction: A Step by Step Guide


*and I'm crying again*
I know it's stupid.
If I were someone else, I'd tell her that it doesn't matter how the baby is brought into the world, as long as she and mama are safe. I'd tell her she's a trooper no matter what. I'd tell her she should be proud of herself for carrying a healthy baby to term and always trying to do what's right for her little one. I'd say all of these things because they are true...so why can't I think these things for myself?

Why must I be so down?
Why must I continue to cry over not being able to labor the way I really want to?
I just want to apologize to my baby girl...I'm sorry. I tried. I really did. I did everything right, but it just didn't work out.

I think today will be set aside for me to grieve the loss of my ideal labor plan. I will allow myself today to really think it through, feel all I need to feel, then let it go. I'm a flexible person by nature (believe it or not) and this is a case where my flexibility is necessary. So today I'm allowing myself to cry, to be angry, to be sad, to be disappointed, and whatever else I need to do and feel and tonight I will accept it. Then, I will come to terms with it and start focusing on the fact that we'll have our little girl home with us next week and all of this will be behind me.

I just have one more thing to say...it's so weird. I feel so worried about her. It seems the longer I carry her, the more worried I feel for her well-being. I feel afraid that something is going to happen to her. It's so irrational, but it is how I feel and I'm not sure how to shake it.

I really wish I had decided to wait until the 24th. I wish I could cancel my induction...but I don't think that's possible at this point. After all, they have set aside the date and time for me. I guess I'm obligated to go in at this point. 

One thing I do plan to ask during the induction is if we could be rather conservative with the pitocin. They will give it to me gradually (unlike with Caleb), which is nice...I just wonder if they can adjust the *every 15 minutes* intervals a bit to give my body a chance to see what it can do with lower doses. It won't hurt to ask, especially since I will under no circumstances agree to an epidural because of my reaction to them. Even if I have to have a CSection, there will be no epidural. They will have to have an alternative and that needs to be discussed as well.

*DEEP CLEANSING BREATH*

One of my favorite quotes just popped into my head:

"Set your house in order and wait on the will of heaven."

I suppose that's what I'm going to do today. Let go; let goddess.

Today's Agenda:
1. Clean upstairs and vacuum basement
2. Pick up vitamins at Meijer
3. Take a rosemary and mint bath
4. Focus on how I'm really feeling about labor
5. Let go of expectations
6. Accept what is to come
7. Be happy that my little girl will be here next week

Another thing that has me feeling down is my isolation. Moving to a "new" city is great and I love it. I love where I live, but after a year I still have no friends. It's a lonely feeling. I have no one to confide in here. I have no one to make me laugh in the face of difficulty.

Then again, who am I kidding? When I lived in Lexington I never confided in anyone. I'm such a loner that I'd never burden anyone with my problems. I kept everything inside just like I am now and I dealt with it. I don't know how to be a "girlfriend" to others. I never have. This is why I always hung out with the guys. They were easy to hang out with. They never talked about feelings, they'd get pissed, tell you like it is, then move on. That's ME! Of course once you're an adult woman in a relationship or married or whatever, having a bunch of guy friends just doesn't work. You guy gets jealous and your guy friends are always trying to get with you. It doesn't work at all. That's not what I want anyway, I'm just sayin'.

So really it doesn't matter that I'm here. I'm the same person I was in Lexington. I actually hang with more people now than I did then, because K knows so many people. Good people. Kind-hearted people. Plus I have my aunt, if I would allow myself to confide in her.

Maybe I'm too high maintenance.
Maybe I expect too damned much from myself, as I always have.
Maybe I need to just chill the fuck out and accept that I cannot be and never will be perfect in this wonderfully imperfect world.