Women facing c-sections have no emotions regarding birth

I thought the last trimester was a time of impatience, anxiety (but positive), anticipation, and some fatigue. However, I find myself very emotional. I've been especially emotional the last few weeks. A lot of it has to do with worrying about my baby, but most of it has to do with the hospital and the fact that while I believe they are trying to do what's best for me and the baby, I don't feel like I'm being listened to.

Some would say I'm selfish...why on earth wouldn't I just go along with what they are saying? Why is it a big deal that they want to give me an epidural for the version? Well, for me, I'm scared to freaking death! With my first son I had one and I was numb for 6 hours AFTER having him. I ended up running a 104.5 temperature (not sure if they were correlated, but it scares me nonetheless) and I was unable to see my son for the entire first day because of the temperature.

Plus, the idea of having a needle inserted into my spine again frightens me. I also know it's NOT necessary for a version. I've seen the videos where doctors insert a needle into the abdomen to relax the muscles, instead of doing the epidural. I also know there are some doctors who don't use anything and the mother uses her own coping techniques. Why can't I do that? Why was it not even mentioned as an option?

This pregnancy has been great up to this point. I hate feeling powerless. I talk so much about women being advocates for themselves and their children and I realize that sometimes that can be really hard to do. Sometimes, when facing the corporate giant, one can feel very small and one's voice can crack...and even disappear.

I am so stressed out that my eyes tear up at the least little thing. An example:

Last night, K and I were lying in bed and we were tired after our long day, so he was putting the laptop on the floor and said, "If I wake you up in the morning, you better go pee and get your ass back up here." He gave me the sexy eye. Ha! I laughed, knowing what he meant...he was planning a love making session for morning!

I replied, "Well, you don't have to wait until morning." I told him. He immediately dropped trou and replied, "Really?" Ha!

Then, he gets in bed, lays on his back and says, "You have to tell me what you want."

Now, this is when everything goes completely awry. I'm not even sure exactly why. I wasn't in the mood to play around. I just wanted some love. I wanted to be held...I wanted to feel secure for the first time that day. I wasn't in the mood for games.

I told him, "I don't want to." For some reason, these games don't make me feel very comfortable. I hate doing it most of the time....although sometimes I think it's fun. Last night wasn't that time.

Still in his playful mood, he says, "No, you have to. I need some motivation."

Taken aback, I said, "Motivation? That's what you need to work out, not to make love."

"Huh?" He asked.

"Motivation is what a person needs to go work out, not to make love." I repeated. Seriously, why on earth would he need motivation to be with me? I immediately felt bigger than I am. I suddenly felt very insecure about my body...well, let's say even more insecure about my body. The tears began welling up in my eyes.

"Okay then, I need inspiration."

Yeah, that didn't help a single bit. I tried to laugh it off, because I KNEW what he meant...at least part of me did. I knew he was just choosing the wrong words for my sensitive self at the time. I KNEW all of this, but I couldn't brush it aside. He hurt my feelings and he had no idea.

I started crying, which completely confused him, because I was laughing not two seconds ago.

Let's just say the night ended in silence...well, with me apologizing to him, kissing him and then finally asking, "Do you care if I turn off the light?"

Once the light was off, I laid in bed for a long while, crying silently as he drifted off to what I can imagine was a confused sleep. Even I didn't truly understand what was wrong with me. It was only as I was drifting off myself that I figured it out...

Feeling out of control all day...feeling scared...feeling nervous...feeling worried...feeling like a flipping house...feeling like my pregnancy was ruined (silly I know, but it's how I felt) did not put me in the most playful mood. I just wanted to be...you know, taken like a woman in a romance novel. I didn't want to have to voice my opinion, talk my way through love-making. I just wanted to be made love to. Had I said this when he asked what I wanted, I'd have gotten it, but I wasn't in the right state of mind.

It was the first night that we went to sleep awkwardly and I'm sure it won't be the last. Life has its awkward moments. You get through them and if you're unable to talk then, you talk in the morning, as we did and you get out all you couldn't say the night before.

I feel better having talked to him. I still feel stupid for over-reacting, but I feel better now that he knows it wasn't really HIM, per se. It was more about my emotions being completely out of whack.

This entire experience leads me to believe that there needs to be another pregnancy book written. It needs to include MORE about Cesarean Sections and not just the procedure itself. I hate that the books I have go into so much detail about labor, but have only a small section about c-sections. It's like, "Oh, you don't have to do any work, so you don't really need to worry about it and I'm not going to waste time writing about how you might be feeling as you are facing such a common procedure." Screw you, Heidi Murkoff!"

Such a book also needs to include more about the third trimester and the emotions that come with it. In addition to that, there needs to be a section about the options that are available for situations such as the one I'm in now. There needs to be a guide for how to discuss high-risk situations with a doctor so you can be sure to be heard. Even if you end up going along with your doctor, you can feel as if you were an active participant in the situation and that alone can alleviate nervousness.

I think the book should be written by a mother who has experienced various types of births...ie. med-free vaginal, vaginal with epidural, c-section...maybe even an emergency situation. This way she can put a mother's perspective into each type of experience. I think it should be written in a way that a midwife AND an obstetrician participate, so the reader can see the perspectives of each.

I suppose no book can truly encompass everything. Each woman is different. Each doctor and midwife is different. Hell, I've had my cervix checked three times in the last 2 weeks and I've been told 3 different things. So much of this business is subjective. It's a practice...they PRACTICE every day.

Here's a link to the MayoClinic, which discusses some of the emotional things you might go through in the third trimester. However, as with most of these resources, there is little to nothing mentioned about c-sections. They mention taking childbirth classes to ease anxiety of approaching birth...why not a fucking class for those who face the operation? Do those women not have fears that need to be alleviated? What about their partners? Might they want to know what to expect when they walk into that operating room to be the support system?

I'm truly angry about this. It's not fair to leave out this large and growing population. With c-sections on the rise, information regarding them should increase as well, besides just being an emotion-free procedure manual.

PS...I did find this thread helpful. It's a c-section birth plan! Being that I have no idea whatsoever to expect, this is helpful to me. I didn't even think a c-section birth plan was an option.

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