Eating is hard.

Seriously, I'm not going to lie. Eating has become a real challenge for me this week. I don't know if it is simply a hormone change or if it is a slight creeping in of my ED. I feel so extremely large and I'm struggling with body image right now.

When I look in the mirror, I try to smile and find the glowing expecting mother everyone says I am, but I don't see it. I see bloodshot eyes from my lack of sleep, a giant belly that is becoming increasingly cumbersome, and fat on my upper arms and thighs.

I feel like the Michelin man...or however you spell that. Or that giant marshmallow man from Ghostbusters. I know this is irrational...I know it is not true. I know I'm having a distorted image of my body, but I can't help it.

It's affecting my life. K went to Zola after moving his dad's things and called me to see if I wanted to go meet him there. I told him I'd rather stay at home.

I just want to hide until the baby is born.

I could burst into tears right now, except I just put makeup on and I don't want to redo it. So I'm blinking back the tears instead.

Why can't I feel good about my body? It's doing amazing things that deserve a bit of reverie, but I can't...I can't hold it in esteem. I look at myself in the mirror and just roll my eyes with disdain. I can't stand seeing myself anymore.

What's worse is how I'm feeling. I think I'm on the verge of depression and I just don't get it. My life is great. My marriage is better than I ever dreamed a marriage could be! I'm actually having a daughter and I thought that dream was gone long ago. Everything is wonderful in my life...but I feel like shit. I feel like I look like shit and it has an effect on me for sure.

Could I seriously be this superficial?
Wow.
That's a thought.

I'm scared to death that I won't be able to lose the baby weight fast. I'm scared I might end up having to buy bigger clothes. I'm scared K won't find me attractive after the baby is born. I'm scared I'll feel like I do now forever...like I'm a dumpy-looking woman.

Gahh!

I just need the next three weeks to go by quickly. In the meantime I'll force myself to eat and try to manage my negativity.

What would I say to an expectant mom who felt like I'm feeling now? It certainly wouldn't be any of the things I've said about myself in this post. Why is it so easy to give genuine love and kindness to others, but not myself?

So anyway, 37 week pics below.