Daughter's Party Kept Me Awake Last Night!

Seriously, I hate complaining. I'm not a complainer by nature, but UGH!!!!!! 

[insert all the curse words you can come up with, multiply them by three and thank you, very much!] 

I'm so freaking tired and I can't sleep at night at all. I wake up every two hours to visit my vacation home (AKA, the bathroom) and if I'm LUCKY, I get to sleep another two hours before having to go again. 

Last night, I was not so lucky. I went to bed at midnight to read, at 1:00, I used the bathroom before going to sleep. Then, I woke up at 3:00 to go again, but I couldn't fall back to sleep because I was having contractions and my daughter decide is was Dance Revolution time...she was partying hard in my uterus and I was the involuntary chaperone, apparently. 

I tossed and turned and K wanted to snuggle, but I was so freaking hot that I couldn't take it. He's a big guy too, so he'd put his arm across my chest (like the left fib cage, while I was on my right side) and I felt like I couldn't breathe, so I'd move it and it would travel its way back there again. Finally, I hoisted myself up to sitting position to try to sleep sitting semi-sitting up...hey, it sometimes works. It didn't. I was cold and my blankets wouldn't stay up over my chest. 

Finally, with a discouraged, "Humph," I maneuvered myself so I could swing my legs over the side of the bed (it's just not possible to sit up like a normal-sized person anymore), grabbed my robe, my glass of water, and my novel and made my way downstairs, where yes, I peed again...an HOUR after my 3:00 visit that woke me up. 

Oh yay. 

During the day, with my excessive water intake that is keeping me from L & D triage, I urinate every hour. No joke. I had to buy the toilet paper with aloe in it just to make myself semi-comfortable. How can a person live a normal life and have to urinate every single hour? Really? 

So I'm starting this day off on a very grumpy foot. My husband is so sweet, but it aggravates me that he gets to sleep (and still complain of being tired), when I can't sleep! I'm so jealous! I'm sure he IS tired. I probably keep him up by tossing and turning at night. I wake myself up moaning sometimes. What's causing pain? I have no idea...it could be contractions or it could be my daughter's karate lessons. 

So I'm sitting here on the couch. The television isn't on because I know I'll just be faced with infomercials promising me if I will only work out at some INSANE intensity, I'll reshape my body in no time flat. I don't need to hear that. I know I'm a house. I know my thighs touch together when I walk now. I know I'll have a saggy belly in just a couple of weeks. I know this...I don't need some cut up dude telling me how to "fix" it. 

I feel like a fat ass these days. There, I said it. It's how I FEEL. I can't change how I feel. Only time and a little self-love will change how I feel, but dammit, there is no point in trying to deny how I fucking feel. I don't even want to leave the house these days...hell, with having to use the restroom every damned hour, where would I comfortably go anyway? I don't want to leave the house, because I'm sick to the very core of my being of wearing maternity clothes...I'm tired of everyone talking about my pregnancy. I'd like to go out and just be Sunny, the forgettable, like I was before. 

Today I have a doctor's appointment. I don't know if I want to have my cervix checked or not. I'm afraid to be disappointed and I'm afraid to get my hopes up. That said, this IS my third baby. My second came rather fast. I sort of want to know if I'm dilated further, so if I start having actual painful contractions, I know not to screw around at home for too long. Not sure what to do....to decline, or to accept...that is the question. 

I hate complaining. I truly do. I am hesitant to even publish this post, because it is dripping with negativity and I don't really want to spread negativity. That said, I know I'm not the only pregnant woman out there in her last few weeks who is feeling like this. So maybe I can help a fellow pregger feel less alone. That is my hope anyway.