I did this for me and the baby. I remember when my sons were babies and how I lost myself to motherhood, then when they got older and more independent, it was as though I had to redefine myself completely...who the hell was I? I had forgotten about Sunny, the woman. I left her behind somewhere, waiting in limbo for me to look for her.
I think this is unhealthy. During this time, I lost a lot of friends, isolated myself and found myself depressed because of it.
Lots of mothers do it. We put our children first and the next thing you know, we're wearing moth-eaten clothes from a decade ago, new terminology is used outside the front door and we have no idea what the hell is going on, as we exit the house, eyes squinting at the foreign light of the sun.
Ok, maybe it's not that bad...but it can get bad.
Isolation is not good, even if you are in the company of the cutest little human with the cutest button nose and squishy cheeks you just want to kiss all the time.
To be a good mother, one must look out for herself as much as she looks out for her little ones.
This time, I want to devote some time to myself...I started doing this years ago when I was recovering from an ED. I started a group on a site...I forget what site it was...and we had Me Days. It was a day or a few hours where women devoted an allotted amount of time to themselves. No husbands (unless that's what they chose), no kids...just time for themselves to do something good for themselves.
As my kids got older, I found this less necessary, because it seemed they were always out with friends and I was ALWAYS alone. lol
Now though, I know I want to bring this baby into a world where mom and dad have time for themselves sometimes....time for them to just be who they are outside of being parents. Right now it's easier for K to do this, because he's not wearing parenthood under his dress so to speak. ;-) When I go out, I'm constantly reminded that I'm a mommy-to-be and that's fine. I actually like it. I've been ushered to the restroom by a stranger because I was pregnant and she didn't think it was right for me to have to wait...I tried to tell her it was okay, but she didn't listen. I have had more cars stop to let me cross the street than ever before. I've had people yell out their car windows and say congratulations or ask when I'm due. Yesterday at the library a man entered the door as I was browsing free publications and he said, "Awwww....how are you doing? When are you due?" At Chipotle, some teenaged girls pulled up as K and I got off the bike and they were gushing about my belly. It was funny.
It's strange, because I'd much rather be a flower on the wall & have no one take notice of me, but I realize it's not really about me as it is about seeing a woman carrying a new life inside her. People seem to like that.
So anyway, yesterday I put all the baby books away, refused to watch A Baby Story, and didn't get on my pregnancy forum...at the library, I avoided the magazines because I knew I would pick up a baby or pregnancy mag. Instead, I grabbed a movie and a book and went on my merry way.
I also didn't give in to my nesting instincts (obsessions). I did nothing around the house. As a matter of fact, I spent much of my time in bed with my new book.
The good thing about my lazy day...er, I mean, Me Day? I had a contraction-free day...all day long! It was awesome. I did only one formal observation of baby kicks and two informal observations of them (after all, I'm not going to completely ignore my baby...I have to make sure she's okay). All was well. Her activity was normal. Yay.
So today, I'm thinking I need to work in the garden. The butterfly bush is completely out of control and the front shrubs need to be trimmed as well. I need to weed the back garden too. Thankfully it's not terribly hot today. I'll go slow with it. If I don't get all of it done, I have tomorrow as well. After a contraction-free day, I know that I've been pushing it a bit lately and I need to listen to my body and slow down a bit.
Oh gosh...only a little over 6 weeks until our due date.
Crazy, exciting times!
K and Baby Bump. Note my birthmark...hope she doesn't end up with one like it!
My handsome boys on a recent hiking trip. I love this picture.
My big ole belly! I really couldn't help but laugh when I saw it in this shirt, so I had to show that in my picture. So amazing how a woman's body can change to accommodate a growing baby. It really is absolutely amazing and deserving of reverie.
So, even though I've been through it twice...I'm getting nervous about labor and delivery. Both of my previous L & Ds were different. With C, I had no control. Doctor induced me, gave me pitocin, broke my water and gave me an epidural (I did actually ask for this because I was in so much pain). My labor lasted 6 hours from start to finish. I was soooo incredibly sick after his birth. I had a temperature of 104.5 and was not allowed to see him until it went down. I wanted to exclusively breastfeed, but because I was sick, the nurses in the nursery gave him a bottle. I had trouble breastfeeding him after that.
Note: in the first few days of life, a baby is not very hungry. There is no reason for a nurse to give a baby a bottle unless you plan to bottle feed. Make your wishes known. I was young, so I didn't.
With T, my labor was completely natural. I have no idea if I was given pitocin...I don't think I was. I did have my water artificially broken, but that was fine. I did not get an epidural or anything else for pain. I had terrible back labor that did not let up from about 4 cm dilation to time to push. It was excruciating pain...plus there was the pain of the contractions on top of it. After I had him, I was wheeled back to a room to recover for about an hour and then I walked to my room. He roomed in with me the entire time. I breastfed him as soon as they cleaned him up. It really was a wonderful birth experience...well, except for the pain. lol
I find myself wondering what this birth will be like? Will I be able to handle it again like I did with T? I have no idea. It excites me, scares me, and makes me very nervous. I have a birth plan...as I posted previously, but ultimately my "plan" is this:
1. Listen to my wishes for a natural birth. K knows the secret word for when I truly cannot take the pain anymore. If I tell him that word, then I REALLY want an epidural.
2. Please no pitocin, because it makes contractions even worse than naturally occur.
3. Get baby out safely and with the least intrusive way possible, depending on the situation.
4. Keep me and baby safe.
5. Let me hold my baby immediately after birth, unless something is wrong.
6. Let her room-in with me.
That's all I really want.
PS....what if because I'm older, I can't handle the pain like I did when I was younger? I was numb for 6 hours AFTER the birth of my first son. I don't want that to happen again. Ugh...I'm getting so anxious and scared.
***breathe***
Just breathe.
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