Sleepless nights, moms as spiritual guides...

The last two nights have been rough. Kathryn has hardly slept at all and, of course, that means I have hardly slept either. She still awakens in the morning with a smile and the most adorable coos ever, while I cleave to my cup of steaming coffee, as if my very life depends on it.

She is in her crib now and has awakened several times since I put her down, but she has simply lain there with heavy eyes, and drifted back to sleep each time without fussing. I think she's completely asleep now and while I should nap too, writing seems more important.

Why do I do this? This writing, here on this blog? I can only answer that I must. In all its raw, amateur sloppiness, I must write anyway. I must put myself out there and I must write. Perhaps one day I'll write something worth the time I put into it.

I do have ideas brewing...I just wonder if they'll ever come to fruition, or if I'll take them to my grave...or in my case, my crematorium. I'll not be buried.

Buried...this brings me to my thoughts of late. Throughout my life, I've always contemplated death. I never thought I'd live past 25 and here I am 11 years beyond that...imagine my surprise when I turned 26. Anyway, having children almost makes it mandatory that one contemplate death. My thoughts most often are of a sort of pleading with the Universe to allow me to live until my children reach adulthood. If not that, then I find myself wondering what I'll leave for my children when I pass.

Is this normal? Do all parents think this way, or am I being morbid?  I can't help my thoughts. I'd rather be prepared.

I also think about my spirituality and how I want my children raised. I don't force religion, in any form, on my children. Except for a short stint when C was little, when I was a Christian by default, I haven't even read a specific piece of religious literature to my kids. Then, it was the Bible and I read it to him daily. I guess I did the same with T, but for a shorter amount of time.

To be honest, I don't want to force religion on my kids. I think spirituality is too personal a thing to be dictated by another person. I want my children to be free to believe what they want. I want it to be a personal journey they undertake on their own. I am here to discuss and support them, but I'll never tell them what to do. It's not my place.

I have only two criteria...1.) They must harm no one else through their religion or beliefs. 2.) They must not harm themselves through their religion or beliefs.

Other than that, they are free to believe as they wish.

What are my beliefs, one may wonder? I believe in God, but not in the way the Christians do. I think it is ridiculous to believe in a masculine-dominated doctrine, when we live in a world that demonstrates the duality of nature. I believe in a Goddess as well...the woman that Christianity has sought to demonize since its beginning. Why? One cannot control something if it is not seen as 1.) Evil or 2.) Inferior.

King James, who sought to have the pagans (country people) under his control, made sure to eliminate books from the Bible, that were penned by women and he made sure to demonize the pagans, especially the pagan women. You see, the country people (pagans) had a more feminine-dominated belief.

Thus, the Bible as we know it.

Christianity, like religions before it, couldn't get rid of all the pagan traditions, or it would lose converts, so the religious leaders incorporated them into the new religion...Jesus was not born in winter, but his birthday was moved to December 25 to coincide with the pagan celebration of the Winter Solstice. Christmas trees were incorporated into the Christmas holiday because the pagans (Druids, to be more precise) brought in foliage as part of their Solstice observance.

The same can be said for All Hallow's Eve for Catholics, which coincides with the pagan celebration of Samhain (pronounced: Sow-wen) and the Harvest Moon...Easter and the Spring Equinox. The list goes on and on.

This is why I would never force a religion on my children. They are all bogus. The three major single-deity religions being Christianity, Islam, and Judaism also bring with them slaughter, alienation of others, and elitist ideas...all three of which I find completely wrong.

That said, if my children chose a path of one of those 3, I'd be supportive. The religions are, in their simplest forms, based on love.

Being a mom is so much more than just feeding, diapering, and cuddling. It's about being a positive guide in a child's life. I strive to do my best with this and I hope my children have been raised to he forgiving enough to forgive any mistakes I make along the way, just as I will forgive them if theirs.

Little Miss is awaken and beginning to fuss a bit, so I must close this post. I feel compelled to leave it with...

Blessed be.