Honesty

Gotta love the days when as soon as you put the baby down, she let's out a blood-curdling scream. Every. Single. Time, except for the one time that she was asleep and took a 20 minute-ish nap.

That said, I've managed to accomplish a few things today so far. I made a coffee cake for the neighbors and wrapped it up with two pretty snowflake mugs.

I made the bed, with baby in hand, which is no easy feat...I got a shower! I washed dishes so at least the kitchen looks good. I wrapped a few more gifts for the boys.

Tomorrow the bananas should be perfect for mom's banana bread. I'm making that for her gift, along with her fave coffee, Starbucks's Christmas Blend. I wish I had the money to do more, but I don't.

We have a plan to be debt free and we are working toward that. K and I aren't even giving gifts to each other. I won't lie and say I'm not a little disappointed. This is two years in a row of not giving gifts to each other. *sad face*

Things like that make me miss having a paycheck. I wish I could do what I want, when I want. I'm not used to being so dependent on a man. I'd like to shop for the kids and hell, myself. I miss it.

I don't think K gets it at all.

Anywho...

I have been thinking about my father. Ordinarily I'd be wrapping something for him, but I'm not this year. I'm not sending a card either. I'm refraining from telling him off. I'm sure it would do no good anyway. He'd probably just deny it. I don't want to face that possibility. I don't want to acknowledge him at all. I wish I could block him from my mind completely...sick bastard. I hate him. How could someone do that to their own child? I just can't wrap my head around it.

Grrr.

I'd like to clean out the closet in the guest room. We'll see if I get to it. I'm going to get happy and stay that way. Afterall, my life is pretty amazing right now. I have a hell of a lot to be thankful and stoked about. There is no sense ingetting sad about the past, when it cannot be changed. It's just weird when you have to redefine a relationship that's been a certain way for so long.

I have one more thing to say and this is just me venting:

1. I miss sleep.
2. I miss going out any night I want.
3. I miss the ideas we had for our future pre-baby.
4. I miss sex.
5. I miss spit-up free tops.

I love my baby girl....but I've given up a lot...and I feel the need to mourn the loss. I kinda miss how life WAS. I think this makes me the worst mom in the world, but I promised to be honest with myself. This is brutally honest.

That said, I'd not trade Kathryn for any of it.

I will be happy when she sleeps better though. Geez.