Sleep: My elusive friend

ZZZZZzzzzzzzzzz....yeah, I wish!

We had a rough night last night....me, more thank Kathryn or K. They got some sleep. I didn't. I gave up at 6:00 am.

The issue: She only wants to sleep on my chest at night. Not good. I'm not sure how to remedy it. It started the night before last. She usually sleeps next to me, but now she wants to sleep on me.

If anyone out there has a suggestion, I'd love to hear it.

She is now nursing at my breast again...that's another thing she did all night long. She wanted to nurse, nurse, nurse. Thank goodness for the bobby, so I can vent here, hopefully rejuvenate a little, while she gets the nourishment she needs. I usually interact with her, but at this point, I'd like for her to go to sleep for a little while. When she gets over-tired, it's not good. She gets really fussy and restless and she doesn't settle down easily. So I'm hoping by not giving her attention at this moment that she'll go to sleep for a little while.

K is asleep. He woke up the couple of times that she cried this morning, but only for a few seconds. I get so annoyed by that. I know it's silly, but I really do get mad. He gets to sleep through most of the night stuff, while I'm up and then he gets to say he's tired the next day. Really? He has no idea what tired feels like. Then again, he has a job....this IS my job.

He's going to the Bengals vs Steelers game on Sunday. He asked if it was okay. Chris asked him to go and there was no way I was going to say no. They've not gone out together in a while. However, I did tell him that he has to let me have some fun soon. He has gone to the concert and now the football game and I've done absolutely nothing fun. I need to have fun and get a break too or I'm going to lose my mind. His response was, "What do you want to do?" I have no idea and I'm not even sure I'm ready to be away from the baby...but at the same time, I think I need a little break.

I'm sure he though I meant we should do something fun together, but that's not what I have in mind. I think I need a little time alone, where no one has any expectations of me. I'm not expected to be a wife or mother...I can just be me for an hour or so. I'd like to go shopping, but not sure that will happen. I'm not sure we have the money, but maybe so. Winter is the slower season for tattooers, so we try to conserve money at this time. If I were working, it would be no problem at all, but I'm not, so...

So I'm trying not to be bitter about the fact that he has had to make few changes in his life with the birth of our baby. I'm trying to accept the fact that I'm the mother, the food maker, the nurturer and therefore I'm needed with the baby more than he his. Plus, he has his own responsibilities. He's the provider, the dishwasher taker-care-ofer (lol), and the trash taker-outer.

It'll all get better and better. The baby will eat less often and I'll be allowed more freedom because of that. Time...time changes all things.

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Kathryn is smiling now! Oh that little miracle that happens just when you think the incessant crying will last forever, despite the cute, smiling baby cards everyone gives you when you have a baby. Those are so misleading, aren't they? Always the cute, 6 month + old baby smiling from ear to ear on the front and wishes of congratulations on the inside, when all new parents know (or very quickly learn) that said smile doesn't happen for several weeks after the baby is born. When it does though, it's like Oxygen to the exhausted mommy! She smiles and coos most when I'm changing her diaper. She loves to be naked, apparently. lol When she's on the changing table, she chats up a storm and smiles at everything I say. It's the most precious thing.

She's also far more alert...although she's been extremely alert since birth, which I and everyone else has found amazing. She spends a little more time sitting on her own, while I'm nearby talking to her. She is also noticing her toys and seems to like the monster ball Andrea and Chris gave her. She loves the bear mobile in her bassinet as well. That said, I still seem to be her favorite thing to look at. She just stares at me most of the time, while I talk about anything and everything.

On other news...I killed my cell phone. I had it in my pocket and when I was about to use the loo, it fell in the toilet. Funny that when it fell in the toilet, I did not hesitate to reach in bare-handed to pull it out. Ugh. So gross. I put it in rice, but it's still ruined. Good thing I'm due for an upgrade, I guess.

My Health:

I made my 6 weeks PP check-up appointment.
I'm worried that my tear is infected...if it isn't, it sure is healing very slowly. Kathryn is 4 weeks old and it's still not healed and it's still tender. It makes no sense to me. With my boys, I had episiotomies and they healed faster than this 1st degree tear. I've looked at it. It's still open, but the hole is smaller than it was a week ago. I don't have a fever and I don't feel bad, other than having a headache every day (but I think that's hormone related).

I probably should have brought it up when I made my appointment, but I didn't. If it's not better next week, I'll call them again and mention it. I know people heal at different rates, so I'm trying not to freak out about it. I'm not at the 6 week mark yet, so I'm trying to be patient. From what I've read from other women, many are still sore at 4 weeks. Many, like me, are not even able to think about sex, much less entertain the idea of having sex. Ugh...will my body ever be ready again?

Seriously, Tori Spelling, like many other women, had sex before her 6 week appointment! How on earth did she do that? The thought of even wiping my bottom the normal way makes my hair stand on end. I can't imagine using a tampon or having a penis inside my vagina right now! No way! More power to those who CAN have sex so early after birth. I really wish I was one of them. I truly do. Instead, I'm still recovering, still sitting down slowly, still focusing on squeezing my butt together when I bend to pick something up, squat down to test the sitz bath water, or go up or down the stairs. I think the stairs might be the reason I'm healing slowly. I've had to climb the stairs to the bedroom and the stairs to the basement since I came home. I had no choice with the way our house is set up.

I'm doing Kegels like a mad woman, so maybe all of this slow healing business will pay off with a more toned va-jay-jay. I do them regularly anyway, but I've been in overdrive trying to get the blood flowing to the tear. I want to be healed! I want to wear jeans again, darn it!