Deflated

My belly looks like a deflated balloon and the inside of my belly button looks dirty where it is dark from the lingering linea nigra. It's been 5 weeks. I honestly thought I'd be better by now. I recovered so fast with my boys. This time, not so much.

I still can't wear my jeans comfortably. I feel like a total fat ass in them, complete with cliche muffin top. I feel so in attractive. I hate feeling this way, because I have this beautiful little girl now and I grew her in this body. I wish I had more patience with myself.

K keeps telling me how "hot" I am and says he can't wait to have me again. Music to a girl's ears, right? Not this girl, at this point. All I keep thinking about is how much it'll hurt, how scared I am to get pregnant again, and how much my flabby belly will jiggle when we do make love.

I'm scared all around and not looking forward to it at all. I can't even believe I'm saying that. I love being with him...and really none of this has to do with being with him, it has to do with my body, which has turned against me like a fiend.

About the weight, people tell me I look great, but I really don't think I do. When I look at my belly, I just want to cry and today I have done just that. I wish I could love myself and the changes that have occurred because of the pregnancy, but I feel I was only able to do that to a point. I guess when I said I was in no hurry and wasn't going to worry about my weight and body for now, I had a time frame in mind that even I didn't know about. I guess I smugly figured I'd bounce right back ANSI did with the boys, but I've not.

Ughhh!!!

Yesterday I started a few exercises to helpe feel better. I'm just doing toning exercises like I used to do. Really, that's all I think I need. That and a daily walk with my baby girl. That should get me back to normal. The only bad thing is winter is coming and I won't be able to get out for daily walks with her then. Bummer...not gonna think about that. I'm just going to focus on what I can do now.

For now, I'm doing planks, 40 crunches, side planks(?), push-ups, and leg lifts.

I should take a picture of my belly for the other moms out there...I know you're out there, I've seen my stats. I should post it to own it and to be brave and all that bullshit, but I don't know that I am so brave. I don't know if I have it in me to be a voice for other moms right now. I don't know if I even care right now.

Like a lot of new moms, I feel worn out. I feel tired. I wear spit up like a new accessory, and my booba are out more often than a 20-something. I speak only mother-ease, it seems and the only topics I feel adept at discussing are poopy diapers, vaginal tear recovery, the baby's cute antics (or her crying spells), and the fact that none of my fucking clothes fit right.

Too bad I'm not a nudist. It really would be convenient. My nipples could air dey after each feeding. I'd not have to wear a bra at all. My belly would be free to jiggle its way through the world without being impeded by too-tight jeans threatening to strangle the life from within.

Maybe I should seriously consider this lifestyle change. I'd have to get opaque ceutains or blinds, or both so I didn't put on a show for my neighbors.

Then again, there is something about cooking and vacuuming in the nude that puts it all in perspective...yeah, not going to make that change. Besides, I like fashion too much.

Now for a positive weight story. My baby girl has gained! I can tell in her arms and legs and it is so stinking cute! She's such a beautiful sweetheart.

I've got to get my image of myself in check soon. I don't want my daughter to beat herself up like I do. She will likely do as I do, not as I say. Not good.

It's certainly a very important thing to keep in mind and work on.