It's supposed to be a beautiful 80 degree day and I want to go out and enjoy it. I'm going to go out too, even if it does mean that my daughter will scream like a crazed banshee in the back seat the whole entire time, thus sending me into a state of despair and frazzled concern, while I helplessly attempt to console her by contorting one a to the back seat as I drive with the other hand.
Not the safest, but I can't stop every 5 minutes and taking her out will only stop the screamfest for a ment, for it all to begin anew the second I buckle the absolutely annoying 5-point harness.
Having a car-hating child makes me look back at my boys' babyhood longingly. They were so easy. They loved the swing, loved the car. I took them for rides to help get them to asleep. Not this girl!
I hate hearing otheroms say, "They are so easy to travel with now!" Uh, fuck no she's not!" I had it easy with two...I guess I'm owed this.
On top of all that, my fucking perimeum is giving me trouble again. Seriously, I'm 5.5 weeks postpartum! This should be history! Not for me! While the part at the edge of my vagina appears to be healed, the part nears anus is open, reddish-pink and sore. By sore, think a paper cut dipped in salt water. I don't get it. Why the hell does it feel fine one day and hurt the next? Why the fuck am I healing so slowly? Why the fuck is there a hole there? Did she not sew me up right? Am I a fucking work who needs to suck it up and get on with shit? Speaking of shit, I'm back to having to syke myself up to have a BM. This should be history as well.
Being in a constant state of discomfort makes dealing with every day things more difficult. It really hast down. I'm not sure what to do. I'd like to call the doctor and see if they could work me in today rather than waiting a week, but the thought of taking Kathryn makes me not want to fool with it.
I'm thinking about showing K so he'll understand why I cringe when he mentions sex, but I'm afraid he'll never want to have sex with me because it looks so bad. Ugh!!!
All of the above has me feeling rather depressed. Seriously, part of me wants to just stay in bed today and flip off the world. However, it is supposed to rain and get cold the next several days, so I know my soul needs me to get out.
I have been posting from K's phone, and I haven't been proof reading, because who has the time? So my apologies for the typos and strangely inappropriate words...auto correct has a mind of its own. The f word, though was purposeful. No apologies there. I need that emphasis right now.
I keep thinking I want to buy a pair of jeans to fit my "now" body, as a friend so perfectly put it, but with my mangled perineum, there's no point. I can't wear them anyway. I do feel like shopping, but I shouldn't spend money.
To put it bluntly, I feel imprisoned these days. I really do. I'm imprisoned by my Baby Napoleon and myself. It sucks ass. For other women out there who may be experiencing a similar situation , my heart goes out to you. Being a new mommy is hard, especially when it isn't going as smoothly as you think it should, whether your ideas stem from previous babies, or from your ideas. It's hard.
No one can understand except those who have been there. Unfortunately I don't know Anyone who has gone through what I'm currently experiencing.
A friend said she wanted to pop over for a quick hello yesterday, because she was visiting friends in NKY, but she never came and never called. Why am I the throw away friend? That's what I am to so many. I have two good friends. That's it and I seldom see them. My other "friends" treat me like crap. Like I don't matter to them, but I always reach out to them, because I care about them. Am I a sadist? Do I like putting myself in situations that makes me unhappy? If only she knew how excited I was to have adult contact and how heart-breaking it was when I never even heard from her. Would she have cared? I don't know. She will never experience what I'm going through. She has a tight network of friends who won't ditch her because she's pregnant like mine did so long ago when I was pregnant with C. I guess it is to be expected when you time your life horribly.
Now here I am again, except now I'm in a new city, with no friends here except K's friends and J, whom I'm angry with. They are great, but I don't know any of them well enough to confide in and knowing me and how shy I am, I never will know them well enough.
And here I am crying AGAIN. Fuck!
I get on my own damned nerves these days.
Anyway...here's to another day, whatever that means.
I'm going to try to make it a good one, but I'm not getting my hopes up too much.
Ciao.
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