No baby changing stations! Gerry!

I'm sitting on the bed wearing only my bra, with the fan on my perimeum. It smarts if I move my legs, so  trying to stay still. Tried to go out with baby and she did great until she pooped. I went to TJMaxx and they had no baby changing station, so I left a headed back home.

I really don't understand how a store can NOT have a changing station. Starbucks didn't either when I went there and I had to change her in the car. I am tempted to boycott stores that don't have them. it makes no sense to me.

Anyway, after I got the baby in the car seat with her STILL poopy diape, she screamed all the way home. I cried and continued crying after I got home. I just wish I could get myself together. Why can't I be the happy, albeit tired, new mommy?
Why do I have to have all this shit to deal with? Why isn't my stupid old body healing properly?

Gaaaaaaahhhhhh!

I'm so pissed at myself. I feel like I should do better.

I'm worrie I might have PPD. With the thoughts in my head and my feelings, it certainly is possible. I will say I've had no negative thoughts about my baby, although I keep having worried thoughts about someone hurting her and how I would kill that person. Weird for sure. I love my baby and I makes me feel bad when I'm crying as I change her and she stares at me like she's trying to figure me out. Thankfully this doesn't happen as often as you might think reading my blog.

I don't cry all the time. I'm not sad all the time. I just go through spells.

I'd love to get out without her. I miss my freedom.
I miss knowing who I am, rather than trying to feel out this new identity and not knowing if I'm doing anything right. My boys are coming up this weekend and while I'm glad they are, I can't even get excited about it. I hardly see them when they are here because the baby monopolizes my time. They ask what time I'll meet them and I can't even answer it, because I don't know if I'll even be able to with Kathryn. I feel like I'm failing as their mother.