Finding Balance: the infantile stage

My niece, sweet thing that she is, brought up an important point yesterday. She was criticizing herself for her waist. She is like me in this respect.

It is so incredibly easy for me to see her beauty and to know that she is perfect just as she is. However, I also know that she won't see this in herself. This seems to be the curse of, not just moms, but women everywhere.

Why are we so cruel to ourselves? Why is it easier for us to point out the beauty in others, but not ourselves?

Everyone is beautiful in their own way. Right?
I think so.

So what is my beauty?

I have never considered myself to be beautiful and my crooked teeth and strange birthmark have always kept my confidence firmly buried in the ground. I am terrified to leave myself open to criticism. I would say that this is only pertaining to my external appearance, but I have even taken abuse and verbal cruelties from others because I was afraid they might point out the things I am most insecure about. These days, I am trying (and struggling) to find balance in my life. It is my goal as a woman, a mother, a wife, a friend, a family member. It's hard. I feel like I generally neglect some area of my life and then find myself guilt-ridden. More often than not the area that is most often put on the hack burner is my friendships. I'm really terrible at maintaining friendships. How do I change this? I don't live near my friends and I have new ones here, but the friendships aren't solid. I think that's the right word. I don't have a confidant, really. I do, however, have friends who are fun to hang around with and I am so very thankful for them. That said, time is fleeting. I don't seem to have enough time in my day to spend time with friends. I do want to. A friend asked me to get hold of her to have lunch. I want to, but I can't seem to bring myself to do it. Why? I've been asking myself this very question and I think...I think I'm afraid I'll be boring company. I was afraid of this when A came over for bagels and babies. I enjoyed it, but I felt like I was boring company. I felt insecure and unsure what to say. All of this was probably due to the fact that I don't know her well at all. I didn't even know what she did for aliving. I only knew her through my aunt who basically (it seems) told her I have no friends and am lonely. Anyway, I really did enjoy hanging out with her and getting to know her. I just felt like I must be so incredibly boring. Is this the curse of the stay-at-home mom? I'm such a loner that I think it is a very good thing I am married to K. He's social and outgoing, even thought he claims to be shy. He has a good group of friends and I hope he will find time to spend with them. Yesterday I had a very down day and published a post that I almost instantly regretted posting. I left it, thinking of other women and moms out there who might be able to relate, but I deleted it this morning because I was embarrassed and ashamed to have posted it. To have put myself out there like that. I want to say that depression is a sneaky enemy and it can sneak up on anyone. It doesn't discriminate. You may he rich, poor, well-traveled, a SAHM, working mom, Black, White, Hispanic, etc. It doesn't matter. What I want to say is, don't be afraid to tell someone how you're feeling. Send it in a text if you need to. That's what I did. I sent K a text, because I sometimes have trouble verbally articulating my feelings. He helped me by talking to me and, more importantly, letting me talk. He also asked me to go pick up our food for dinner. I know it seems silly, but going to Kroger for shampoo and to McDonald's for terrible food was like the most amazing thing to me. I was alone. It was awesome. It's amazing how much better I felt after having a mere 15 minutes to myself. I think every mom needs time to herself each week. MORE than 15 minutes, but hey, 15 minutes is better than none! I think this precious time is crucial to finding balance. That, along with exercise and eating delicious and nutritious food. Now that K knows and now that I told him how great it was to do that, I think I'll Not be afraid to ask and he'll be more likely to encourage me to take a time out of sorts. I think my problem is I feel like asking for time is somehow wrong, but really it isn't. It's good to ask, because it is good to have time alone. It's something I need to feel whole and BALANCED. I give so much of myself to those I love and things I do, that I need time to simply breathe and just be me, with no one else to worry about for a few minutes. Today has been great. I feel like I'm off to a good start. I have eaten yummy, healthy food. I have had lots of water. Baby and I took a walk (I love wearing her when we walk) and we both enjoyed it, because I felt refreshed and she fell asleep in the Om wrap. I cleaned the house (at least the few things I had planned to do today). I've taken time to realize how much I really have in my life now. I've forgiven myself for my post yesterday and I'm glad I deleted it.