A New Day

Little Miss didn't sleep so well last night. Well, she did, but her time awake was longer than usual, so I'm really tired.

I have a full agenda for the day and thanks to a semi-decent nap on Little Miss's part, I got the bathroom cleaned and towels in the dryer.

1. I need to get a load of dipes in the wash.

2. I also feel compelled to scrub the house from top to bottom, but I think this is actually just an irrational idea of controlling and cleaning the world around me because at the moment I don't feel either of those. I feel quite the opposite, as a matter of fact.

I don't want to talk about that.

3. I do plan to try to bring the bookshelf up from downstairs and organize the boys' room and art room. I've been meaning to do this since I was pregnant and finally feel like I can actually do it.

4. I want to get the game room organized too. I'd really like to do that for K. This will probably not happen until tomorrow.

This doesn't sound like much, but it will take a lot of time.

Hey, K said the only way we could get the big entertainment center out was to tear it apart with a sledge hammer...I'd like to do that. We don't have a hammer though. Gosh, that would be helpful to me.

LOL

My survival tactics...nodding and smiling, laughing through it, looking forward to another day, realizing I'm not alone, pretending to be someone else, etc...just isn't working. I guess I'm too old for that now.

Damn.

I don't want to talk about it, but I came stop thinking about it. Realizing the truth behind the "dream," has opened the door. My mind is flooded with memories that always confused me...now they make sense and that is terrifying to me. I don't want to remember, but not I can't control it.

My mind is flooded.
I keep zoning out.
I woke this morning with another memory.
Goddess, I want to forget.
Please.
I don't want to know.
I don't want to know.!