A bit irritable

In bed with baby. K is downstairs watching Sons of Anarchy. I've spent most of the day nursing the baby. I don't know why, but I've been used as a pacifier all day, in addition to my regular job as milk machine.

I've just given in to it. I figure maybe she's priming my supply. I don't know. I'm assuming I still have enough.

It's weird when you feel so heavy and basically engorged for a while, then your boobs become soft again. It makes me paranoid about whether or not I have enough milk. A day like today, when all she wants to do is sleep and be at the breast, doesn't help my worry.

K has gotten to where he doesn't help as much with her. She cries a lot with him and it bothers him. He seems to think he can't help her when she fusses. He thinks because I have the boobs, I have all the answers. If he has her and she cries for 5 minutes, then he has "tried everything and nothing worked."

Uh...I've had her today and she fussed a hell of a lot. The thing is, I'm mommy. The difference is I don't have "I can't" in my vocabulary when it comes to her. Like Yoda said, "There is no try, only do."

He knows if she doesn't quiet down for him that he can just hand her to me to deal with. It's really becoming a crutch. Because she cries, he doesn't do as much and therefore she cries more.

It annoys me that he doesn't offer to do more with her. He could offer to bathe her or feed her a bottle, but he doesn't. I wonder if he even knows he should/can. He did offer to burp her tonight.

Today I'm just exhausted and irritable. That's why I'm up here and not watching the show with him, even though baby is sleeping. It's funny, usually on Tuesdays I have to come up because she is screaming her little head off and the show is on. Tonight she's sleeping and I just wanted to come up.  

I don't mean to complain or to make it sound like K isn't helping out or showing his daughter attention. He does. This morning he held her and talked to her. The thing is, I wish he could help me more than to think talking to her is all he needs to do. It's like if she's not happy, smiling, and cooing he has no idea what to do.

Is this a general thing for first time dads? I think it might be. I'm sure it'll get better.

Anyway, I'm going to read Memnoch the Devil for a while. I'm revisiting the Vampire Chronicles by Anne Rice.

Adieu.