Facebook sucks & sick of being "mommy"

So, this is my first day of no Facebook in about 8 years. I deactivated my account because I am strongly opposed to the current photo privacy set-up. As it stands now, if a friend "likes," or "shares" one of my photos, ANY of their friends (whether a friend of mine or not) can share my photo on their page. I think this is a breech of my privacy settings. I have a private profile. All of my photos are set to only be allowed to be seen by my friends, yet in theory, anyone could see my pictures and share them without my permission. 

Bull***t. 

So, I'm finished with it. 

It's weird though, because I'm basically programmed to take a photo and immediately post it on FB. I have a thought and my immediate reaction is to want to post it as a status. 

It's so incredibly strange and I have no idea just how addicted I was until today. The funny part is I'm one of those dive-bomber style of Facebookers. I visit it from my phone, do a quick run-through, and I'm off. I post stuff, but really, I'm not on there that much. 

Still, it's so weird how big of a place it has taken up in my life...in the very facets of the world around me as well. You simply cannot be out for a full day and NOT see something related to FB. I think it's sad. 

So I have no idea how this will go. My boys are still on there, so I have to check in once in a while just to be sure they're behaving, but I'm not posting anymore. I'm finished with it. 

So K has gone on an update ride with PBC and may or may not be home tonight. How many breaks has he had since baby was born? Hmmmm....

At least 5. 

How many have I had? 

0

The resentment is building. It's a damn good thing I don't work outside the home, or we'd be having serious problems right now. 

He keeps SAYING he will watch the baby for a while so I can get out, but it has yet to happen. He brought it up one day when even a blind man could tell that I was extremely agitated. 

Rynny says "Mama" now and she's pulling up /gingerly walking around furniture. She's a handful, no, make it 2 handfuls! It's exhausting. I find I feel on edge and aggravated most of the time and I am short with K when he talks to me. 

I'm also PMS-ing, which doesn't help matters. 

I just don't understand how a person could expect someone to do what I do, NEVER, EVER get a break, and ALWAYS be happy and smiling. I mean fucking seriously? I'm human. 

I'm sick of being mommy. 

I want to be Sunny for a while. 

Just for a while, then I can go right back to being mommy for a while. 

I want to WANT to be mommy again, not wake up dreading the diapers, the fussing, the chasing, the always feeling behind because I can't get anything done for chasing the baby all over the house saying "no" and "not for baby" all the flipping time. 

I love my daughter. Of course, anyone who has read this blog, or knows me even slightly knows this is the truth. I just need a break. I've been saying this for a long while...it just seems like it's never going to fucking happen. 

So what am I to do? Seriously, I have no idea. 

What if I never get a break? 

It's to the point that I don't want K touching me at all. The other night the baby was in bed with us and I had her on my right, with her legs spread across my belly, and K was on the left, with his leg over mine and his arm across my chest. 

I didn't feel cuddled. I felt imprisoned. 

I'm on such touch overload with the baby that I don't want to be touched by K these days! Sometimes I don't even want the baby touching me. 

This freaks me out a bit. I find myself wanting to retreat somewhere, but there is no place to retreat to. I can't hide away and that's not exactly what I want to do anyway...It's all very confusing and irritating. 

Not sure how much more I can take. I really have no idea. 

Yet there seems to be no answer in sight. 

You'd think my husband would be smart enough to figure this out, considering how many times I've said, "I need a break." 

But I guess not. 

Grrrrrrrrrrr!!!! 

I'm NOT justifying it, nor am I suggesting that I would do this or have even thought about it, but with the stress I am under these days, I can understand how some mothers snap. In this so-called "connected" world, with social networking sites like FB and Twitter, we are more isolated than ever. Mothers used to have family support systems, but this is a luxury, not a standard. Moms are on their own and it's not good for them or the children involved. 

I guess I'll just have to get up one day when he's off and say, "See ya. I'm going out. There's milk and food in the kitchen for Ryn."