Peeling back the layers

It iced last night...not snow, not rain, not sleet: ice. Gotta love the Ohio River Valley.

And you know, I do love it.
Despite the fact that the majority of my life has been spent away from Cincinnati, actually on the other side of the river, I have always considered Cincinnati my home. Seeing the skyline at any point in my life has always filled me with a sense of belonging...my skyline.

It's funny then, that since actually moving to Cincinnati, I have struggled to find my footing here. I've been here over a year now and I haven't found my niche, so to speak. I have in the last few weeks decided that I'm going to make this my home. As in, make the effort to get to know this city and the people I have met here. I've come to realize that not all cities open themselves up to newcomers. Some cities have to be peeled back.

This is Cincinnati.
Maybe I understand this because I am much like Cincinnati in this way.

I am a person with many layers and I have fought against it for years. I saw it as a flaw; like I was somehow different than others. Now, after seeing this trait in Cincinnati, I realize that such layers are not a defect of character, but the product of experience...

Some cities, like people open themselves readily to others...some do not. I am of the latter sort.

I have made a point to work on this, and to work on loving this aspect of myself and I think I'll be able to do this as I make the effort to get to know this city, which, despite the old buildings and allergen-laden air, is beautiful.

I am making a point to see this beauty, in the old stained glass windows of various churches and cathedrals and stories of by-gone loves inscribed on park benches. At the same time, I'm making a point to see myself in this same light; to realize that hey, maybe I am worthy of company. Maybe I'm not agonizingly boring as I feel I am.

I do this as much for myself as my children, who look to me for guidance.

My sons have both mentioned that they might come live with K and I this summer and that fills me with so much happiness I can't even express it here. My younger son is very shy and he has been hesitant about Cincinnati. The only thing you hear on the news about this place is yet another shooting or robbery. However, since visiting here on weekends and meeting new friends, I think he is more open to the idea.

I'd LOVE to have them both here.

For them, I have to get to know this city and I have to live comfortably within myself as well. I want them to sort of absorb confidence from me. I have a daughter. I never, EVER want her to feel inadequate. Sure, we all have moments when we feel inadequate. That is quite normal, but one should never feel inadequate in general.

I am good at raising confident boys.
With a daughter, being a woman, I find this more challenging to wrap my head around. I have always struggled with confidence, despite always presenting a confident demeanor.

I want to work very hard to be the mother they deserve.

So anyway, I find this journey to be very intriguing. I'm enjoying it.
I'm feeling more whole with each passing day.

I feel very solid in my decision to maintain a vegan diet. There is no longer that deeply rooted feeling of hypocrisy within me, between the person who knows about horrible conditions thousands of animals find themselves in this very moment and the fact that I like the convenience of fast food cheeseburgers.

Just shedding this has been helpful.
Also, I feel FABULOUS physically! It's been a week and I swear, I feel....the only word I could think of last night when trying to describe it to K is: HEIGHTENED. Like a heightened awareness, except I feel it all over. I feel rejuvenated. I feel awake. It's crazy how fast the body can respond.

Of course the placebo effect is possible, but I think it's more than that.

In addition to this, I'm studying things I'm truly interested in. I've found that going inside myself, via this imposed isolation, has helped me truly figure out who I am.

1. I cannot shut up. If I'm not talking, I'm typing, or singing, or thinking. I want to take a vow of silence from all computer-related communication for the rest of the day...no, the week.

pic from: cincinnati.org

Ciao.