At first I threw a little pity party..."Oh boo. I have no friends. No one wants to hang out with me...I never get to do anything to get away from the baby..." Yadda, yadda, yadda.
Then I realized.
It's NOT because I'm a stay-at-home mom.
It's NOT because I have no friends.
It's NOT because my family isn't close.
It's because I CHOSE NOT TO TAKE THE STEPS NEEDED TO CHANGE THIS.
Why did I have no friends? Because I stayed to myself and didn't TRY to make friends.
Why did I not try to make friends? Because I was insecure.
Why was I insecure? Because I worried about what other people thought of me.
*insert derp face*
Seriously?
How lame is that?
Then I came to realize this:
Once we reach adulthood, we are the product of OUR OWN decisions. "Oh, but what if I was abused as a kid?"
Well...as a child you were powerless. I can totally understand this. My father was an asshole, especially to my brothers. My childhood sucked in so many ways...but that's the past. If I CHOOSE to hold on to that and let it define me, that's my choice. If I choose to allow my father to have control over my present emotions, that's my choice.
Sure, it may still influence things in my life, but I have to make a conscious effort to make the changes to overcome that. I am not a child anymore.
I am a grown woman, making my own choices.
This is a very empowering idea, when you take a moment to think about it. If you're still controlled by something or someone other than yourself, you may take it as an attack, but if you stop and take a moment to REALLY think about how you got where you are now, it can be very empowering.
For me....
I had to make a decision to get out there. Make contact with friends, make plans and keep them, reach out to others.
It's made a world of difference in my life. I no longer feel lonely. I DO have friends. I CAN visit my family. I have the power to make my life what I want it to be.
And so do you.
So, how did you get where you are NOW?
Did you have a terrible childhood?
- You've got to let go of that. You've got to put that on your parent's shoulders, forgive them, and let it go.
- How can I forgive them for this???! I understand. Forgiveness has NOTHING to do with the other person. It only has to do with you. You forgive them so that you cut the ties that give them power over you. You're NOT saying what they did was okay. You're saying, "You did it. It's on you. You no longer have power over me."
Now...what has happened since then, in your adulthood that got you where you are NOW?
- Are you mistrustful of others? Judging them based on how your parents treated you?
- Do you assume everyone is out to get you?
- Do you take everything personally, even silly memes online?
These are decisions you are making to get you where you are now.
It's time for a change.
Small changes lead to lasting results, so like the picture above says, "don't try to overhaul your life overnight." This will just set you up for failure.
Instead, make a little change each day...each week.
1. Example: try to remain present.
We spend entirely too much time thinking about the past and the future that the present is completely taken for granted. With someone who has experienced trauma in their past, this is even more common.
Sometimes in the beginning it's really hard to be present. You may even have to whisper to yourself what you're doing RIGHT NOW. When you feel your thoughts wandering to the past or future, pull yourself back. If you're at work, whisper to yourself about what you're doing. "I'm grading papers. I'm grading papers."
Doing so will pull you back to the present AND will make you work far more efficiently.
As you practice, you'll be able to do this silently...and some of you may be able to do it without whispering from the beginning. We're all different.
2. Get out there and take a chance! Do something new. Each week, try to do something that gives you butterflies.
When was the last time you had butterflies in your belly? If you can't remember, then you REALLY need to get out of your comfort zone and LIVE! Don't let that comfort zone be your casket...life is too damned short for that.
Have fun, make mistakes, fall down, get bruises, get up and start again!
Imagine if toddlers had the mentality that many adults have....toddler takes a step, falls down, bumps head....never tries to walk again.
We'd all be crawling around on all fours, except those "crazy people" who decided to do something different and *gasp* walk!
3. Talk lovingly to yourself! I'm the worst critic I have. Seriously...my self-talk over the years has been like an abusive person talking to a child they cannot stand to even look at. Thankfully over the last few years I've started changing that. I'm still a mean coach to myself. when my alarm goes off in the morning, I say some pretty mean things to myself to get me to get out of bed.
Sometimes I need that tough love though. For the most part, I speak lovingly to myself. I speak to myself like I would you, if you were having a hard time. I deserve to be treated kindly, just like the next person does.
So, each day, start your day out by looking at yourself in the mirror and saying nice things or even just thinking nice things about yourself.
It reminds me of a quote from one of my favorite books, The Help.
This is a good start. These three things can make such a huge change in your life. I know they have in mine!
Please remember:
You ARE enough.
You ARE beautiful.
You ARE important.
You ARE worth it!
As always, if you'd like to connect on Facebook and would like support, please feel free to send me a friend request. Just click on my name for the link.
xx,
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