I'm not beautiful - the end

My baby is 18 months. She's still nursing and this is great except that I'm sort of getting tired of it. I'm in the process of gently weaning her from daytime feedings (except mornings). When we are busy, she doesn't even ask for "na-nas." It's only when we are home and she's tired.

Understandable.

But I'm over it. If I can just wean her from those feedings altogether, I can deal with the morning and bedtime ones. I have no problem continuing them until she is 2...possibly longer, but I REALLY hope 2 will be her stopping point. I'll gently nudge her toward that goal, but I'm not going to flip out if we go over.


We were in Hot Topic the other day and I was looking at bikinis. Ryn saw the breasts on the mannequins and said, "Na-nas mmmmmm." LMAO. I just about died laughing.


So lately I've been feeling REALLY, REALLY disgusted with myself. Like, I hate even seeing pictures of myself these days. I feel downright ugly and it sucks. I'm not sure what's made me feel this way. I seem to only be able to focus on my flaws. I HATE my teeth and always have, but these days I REALLY hate them. I swear, sometimes I dream about just pulling the fuckers out myself with a pair of pliers. My step dad did, why not me? But then I think about how extremely horrible I'd look with no teeth....

Not a pretty image.

I wonder if these negative thoughts have anything to do with all the fashion designers and models I follow on Instagram. I don't follow them to compare myself at all. I just love seeing the fashion and seeing what's coming up in the fashion world. However, I wonder if that shit gets inside you, you know?

I've deleted the app from my phone as an experiment. We'll see how it goes.

I'm just sick to my soul of feeling shitty toward myself. I mean, if I die tonight, that's probably something I'll regret most about my life.

The truth is, I guess I'm not my kind of beautiful. I am K's kind of beautiful...or so he says. I look VERY different than the other women he's dated/married. So maybe he doesn't even have a "kind" of beauty in mind.

Anyway...whatever. I feel inadequate. I'm premenstrual, and I hate my smile.
There's not much I can do for any of these things, so why the fuck am I typing about it here?
Perhaps because someone out there will read it and not feel so alone in their own feelings of inadequacy.

The funny thing is, I'm POSITIVE I'd think you were beautiful, whoever you are, lost soul in this world. It's so easy to see beauty in others.

Here's an example. I have a - dare I say, friend - who is gorgeous. She's beautiful, has the perfect bone structure, great skin, a fabulous smile with teeth that will always make her appear younger, she's tall and thin, and she's fucking smart too boot. (hate her, right?) Well, she says she doesn't see what others see.

I think that's how we all are and if you think about it, it's sort of dumb and truly a waste of time. Why do we do this?

These days I have even found myself wondering why my husband NEVER takes pictures of me. I even came to the conclusion that he just must not find me to be "all that." It's weird and I don't mean to compare, but my ex used to CONSTANTLY take pictures of me - to an annoying point, to be honest. So this has been a big change for me and I still don't understand it. I mean, if it weren't for me, we'd have very few pictures of anything from our life together.

It's weird.

He even said he loved taking pictures when we first got together...I guess he doesn't really enjoy it that much.

Anyway...this is a whiny post and I apologize.

I'm not beautiful.
I've always known this and I don't know why it's important to me.
My birthday certainly didn't help either.