Turning 38: A reflection

I'm 38 today.

I'm meeting this birthday with a mix of feelings. I'm so close to 40. It's insane. I very, very well remember my mother at this age. It's weird to be an age that you remember your parents being.

For several reasons, I'm happy about this birthday.
1. I'm happily married. I mean, seriously, I couldn't ask for a better husband for me.

2. I have a new job, so yay, I feel like an important piece of society for once. I'll actually have something to talk about besides baby, not that I mind just talking about baby, but I'm pretty sure others find it annoying. (I'd like to think I don't care, but I guess I do). I'll have my own money as well, which makes me really happy...although I'm really worried about how to pull it off well with baby, since I'll be telecommuting. We'll see.

3. Double H and I have some great plans for our future, which I don't feel at liberty to discuss here, as I'm not sure who reads this blog and we've not hammered anything down enough to discuss with family and close friends. I'll post more here once we do that. Let's just say it's super exciting and I'm looking forward to it.

4. I have time during my day for creative endeavors...meaning quilting. I absolutely love making quilts. It's nice that baby can occupy herself some so I CAN work this into my day.

5. I feel really good overall, as far as health and wellness go, even through this horrendous winter, I've fared well.


I'm sort of sad about this birthday as well:

1. I'm soooooo close to 40. I said that already? Well, I guess that shows you how much it bothers me.

2. What have I done with my life to this point? I've not much to show for it, that's for sure.

3. At this time (12:18pm), I've not heard from my sons. I'm assuming they've forgotten about my birthday...again and this makes me incredibly sad.

4. My skin looks older than I am from tanning so much when I was younger. Thank goodness for the years I spent avoiding the sun like the plague in high school!

5. I'm rather lonely in my life, to be honest. I do have a couple of good friends and I absolutely cherish them, but I feel lonely a lot of the time and it's almost embarrassing to be. I just wasn't prepared to live this long. I thought I was going to die at 25, but I didn't and here I am, still trying to create my life and realizing now that LIFE IS HAPPENING whether I'm ready or not. This is my life, in spite of all the planning and planning to plan bullshit.


So, I want to do a sort of inventory of the things I know now.

1. I LOVE being a mom. I know it's cliche, but I really do. It's my reason for being. I love it. I love my kids. I'm the absolutely ANNOYING mother who posts pictures of her kids all the fucking time and I really don't give a fuck. If others don't like it, they can skip over me or just unfriend/unfollow me. I don't care.

2. I LOVE my husband. He's fucking awesome. 'Nuff said.

3. I truly enjoy quilting and love making designs that are my style, but also staying consistent with the traditional style as well. It's fun, It's art...I love it.

4. I sometimes care too much what people think about ME...and a lot of that has to do with the fact that by only being a stay-at-home-mom, I feel like I'm insignificant in the world. I feel insecure not having anything going on in my life outside of being a mom and therefore I feel that others think I'm, I don't know, lazy, boring, "have too much time on my hands," etc. It's like, I don't care, but I sort of do, because all my life I've known that I'll never be the beautiful girl, or the super smart girl, or the fun, out-going girl, so I've always tried to be the one who is determined and accomplishes a lot. Like most men, I put a hell of a lot of my identity into what I DO, rather than who I AM (as many women tend to do).

So "just being" a SAHM has made me feel like I don't matter, even though I KNOW that what I do matters a whole hell of a lot. Society doesn't value it, however. thanks to the feminist movement (which was GREAT, by the way), women who choose to stay home are now looked down upon. Instead of empowering women with the choice, we have shunned those who CHOOSE to put their kids first and sacrifice others things for their kids, as I have done.

Not to impune those who CHOOSE to work outside the home. I think choice is the important thing. I also am VERY well aware that there are those who don't have a choice....I mean literally don't, like single moms/dads (I've been there). Those who literally cannot make bills if both parents don't work, though I think this can often be remedied by scaling down, but many people don't want to do that or they've accrued debt that cannot be ignored (a common problem in America).

Anyway...

(my younger son just called me!!! Day made.)

So, my son asked, "What are you going to do today?"
I replied, "Laundry."
"That's it?" He asked.

Sadly, yes, although I may go to the fabric store, but with the cold temperatures outside, I think it's silly and selfish to drag the baby out to browse fabrics when I have two projects in the works here that I could work on.

Me

38 years confused

I think when all the shit's cleared, I just want to matter in this world. Not even in the VAST world, just my tiny little hamlet. I just want to be enough for myself. I mean, do I consider it enough to be a mom who works part-time, and makes quilts? Is this enough for me? I'm not entirely sure at this juncture, but I think it might be, as long as those I love most love me in return...I think it's important to feel loved. I think I need to feel that and I need to feel needed.