To My Sons

It's so silly, what you aspire to be when younger...and then one day you wake up and realize just how fruitless all that was and how it turned out to be wasted time.

When I look back at the time I spent in front of a mirror, in a tanning bed, in my closet searching for THE perfect outfit, on a scale, scrutinizing every minute flaw...wow. I lost a lot of time.

I lost a lot of time with my boys.

I regret that. They are grown now and I cannot get it back. I can only go from here.

It's sad when children grow up. It's the hardest part of parenting, but it also fills you with pride. They are SUPPOSED to grow up and leave. That's when you know you've done the job well. If your kids grow up and live with you for years (or forever), you've done something wrong somewhere.

Still...I hate that their adulthood is here. That I can't hold them again, or get a re-do like childhood afforded us. I hate that I can't say I'm sorry enough that it fits the feeling I have inside. I hate that I can't say I love you so that it fits how I feel inside...or that they can truly know what I feel inside when I look at them.

Sometimes I'm afraid I am too hard on them to the point that they think they aren't enough, or aren't doing enough, when nothing could be further from the truth. They are walking versions of the person I wish I could be. They are the very best of me. I love them so completely that NOTHING they do could EVER change that.

They are my shining stars. They are my heart walking around on this earth. I don't know if I could continue in this life without my children. Not that I need them by my side at every moment, but that I need to be a piece of their lives, even if only a small piece. I need to know that they know I always did my best, but that yes, I screwed up at times and sometimes badly.

I am human, afterall.

But through it all...I loved them every single second and I will love them every single second to come.

To my boys...I love you. I am so incredibly proud of the young men you have become and I am honored to be your mother.