The Great Job Debate

One of the reasons I didn't want to have more children was because I didn't want to have to put another child in daycare. I didn't want other people to spend more time with my child than me. I had to do this with my boys, while I worked full-time and attended school part-time. 

I hated it and I was always consumed with guilt for not being able to spend more time with my sons. Of course, had I NOT done it, they'd have gone without, we'd have been on welfare, and who knows what life would have been like for us. 

I did what I had to do. Ultimately, I think it went well, but I still feel the guilt and the regret for not being able to cherish their childhood as I wanted to. 

I now find myself facing the prospect of working again and raising Kathryn. Of course this time I'll have K, so it will be very different than before. Still, I'm already battling the guilt. 

I know, I know...mothers the world over work every day and raise their children. They raise happy children, they have happy families (or at least they appear to be happy); it happens every day. 

What I also know to be true for most of these mothers; at least from conversations I've had with other moms, is that they have two full-time jobs. While we find ourselves in the 21st Century, where women and men are more equal than ever before, the home responsibility still falls predominantly on the woman. They tend to be the ones who come home and continue doing all the work they did before having an outside job. I can see it already...I'll still be the one who is up at night with the baby when she wakes. I'll still be doing majority of all household responsibility. 

I know this because I've been there before and I find it to be very unfair. 

Of course all of this in conjecture, based on my past and conversations with others. 

Already, the only one sleeping "in" is K. Of course this is cool now because I can nap later with Kathryn, if I want to (and I'm not complaining). I don't typically do this because there are other things to do like laundry, cleaning, simply soaking up some time where I'm not pulled in other directions. 

What about when I have a job outside the house? 

This has been on my mind lately...I'm dreading it. I can already see it and I don't like it. 

On the flip side, I see the money and the "freedom" that an outside job will afford me. By "freedom," I mean, being able to buy the baby things without asking. I mean, surprising K with a special trip, or a really nice dinner, whether at home or out. I mean doing special things for my sons. One thing I hate more than anything is asking for money or taking money from my husband. It makes me feel belittled, even though that's not how he sees it at all. I don't like being dependent on someone like that. Actually, I don't like feeling dependent on another person at all. I want to be a partner, not a dependent. That said, when I have an outside job, I want to be a partner then too...not pulling two full-time jobs with little help at home. 

Again, this is all conjecture. 

I'm worrying about all of this before I even have a job and before I even apply for a job. I'm not going to be applying for a full-time job until next year. I have to get Kathryn out of diapers first, as many daycares don't accept cloth diapers. She is also still breastfeeding quite a bit and I want her weaned at least all throughout the day before I send her to a daycare. 

*cringe* 

I have no idea what I want to do. If I have to be away from my daughter, I'm not spending that time at a job that makes me miserable. I have time to think...to plan...

Hopefully I'll find something that's a perfect fit for me. I need something that challenges me without draining me; something that makes me feel satisfied, not disappointed at the end of the day. I need something that allows me to utilize my creativity...

Where on earth will I find a job like that? 

This is not a post of complaint. 

Simply a post of consideration. 

Being a mother is hard, as we are constantly torn between what we want/need to do, and what we are expected to/need to do. 

Maybe it is the same for fathers too, but that hasn't been my experience.