Co-dependent No More!!

My ultimate goal is to be a good mother, a good wife and a good person while I'm here on Earth. That's it.
That's all.
Yet some days I feel like I'm treading water.
There are days when my patience is quite limited and I raise my voice to my little daughter for trivial things that I'll forget about tomorrow...yet my actions will be remembered by her.

I see it in her eyes sometimes, when she does something and looks at me for a reaction. It hurts my feelings that I don't react in the most positive way every time.
I try.
I try very hard to be a good mother to her.
Yet I fail often and apologize for being rash or abrasive...of course, using words she understands....and we talk about it.
She tells me how I made her feel and I explain why I was upset.
This happens almost daily.
Why am I unable to just....be....patient??

She's not the easiest child I've raised.
She's by far the strongest willed of all three. She talks incessantly. I mean INCESSANTLY. How can one person talk so much? I truly don't understand it. The terrible part is she talks so much that I find myself zoning out and ignoring her.
What a terrible thing to do to someone...ignore them, as if they don't matter.
I know how it feels to be ignored by those who claim to love you and yet I do the same to her.
But sometimes I literally cannot take any more of the babbling, the repetition, the jabbering.
And I must get quiet to protect my introverted self.
And I feel guilty for even saying that.

She's also taken to licking her hands, trying to put her entire hands in her mouth if they are even slightly sticky. She freaks out and starts screaming in the car that she needs to wash her hands. She needs to go home and wash her hands...it doesn't matter if I explain that we can't go right home. And I find myself pulling over ANYWHERE to take her to wash her hands before I lose my mind because she is completely inconsolable. It's like nothing I've ever seen. 

It's not all the time. Only when she's had sugary foods. Last night as I cried a little in prayer, I was reminded that my younger son was like this...not as bad, but he HATED having dirty or sticky hands. It helped to remember that. I have hope that Kathryn will also outgrow it.

So anyway.

For the last 6 months or so, almost daily,  I've had a phrase come into my mind...it's from Runes that I read back in the late 1990s. "SET YOUR HOUSE IN ORDER AND WAIT On THE WILL OF HEAVEN."

I cannot seem to shake it, and since vacation, I've actually started heeding this call. 

For the last year, I've devoted myself and my energy to others. People think I started doing Beachbody to make money...and sure, making money is nice, but that's not at all why I started sharing about it. I started sharing because I found a group of people who lifted me up. I found programs (especially PiYo), that made me feel GOOD and I wanted others to feel THAT DAMNED GOOD TOO. 

However, I learned that most people aren't out to FEEL good. Most are only out to LOOK GOOD & that's something that creates only temporary satisfaction, and doesn't mesh well with my ethics. I think LOOKING any certain way is irrelevant. It totally doesn't matter in the slightest. You can LOOK great but be in terrible health and be a complete cunt. Who cares? Or, you can have a little weight on you, but run half marathons and be in amazing shape. It doesn't matter. 

I devoted a full year of my life to others. I spent countless hours making groups, and the posts for each day in each group...and then when people find that they have to do something in them, or even buy something from me for that, they are uninterested....how dare I try to make money doing THAT "work"?!

Haha! 

I laugh now, because I know that I didn't make money doing any of it. I was in the red the whole time....and why? Because I had a higher purpose. I wanted to help people feel good about themselves. I didn't want to hear another woman criticize her body. 

But I've learned that I cannot care more about people than they care about themselves. I cannot pour more energy and time into people who don't want to pour any energy or time into themselves. It's suicide to do so and I let go of suicidal ways years ago. This DOES NOT mean I've given up on anyone. I have not. Even looking at my own path, I've tried, then quit and tried again and nearly died when I fell off the wagon and ran back to my ED like a lost child. It's hard. Learning a new way of life is hard as hell. 

People will fall. People will quit. Some people will never find their way and die wishing they had done more to live a better life. Others will find their way....find their WHY...and totally kick ass and live the life of their dreams. 

I think what I'm sayings this: I release myself of that responsibility. I'm NOT saying others MADE me responsible. I did this to myself. I thought that by being a coach, I was responsible for helping to ensure others' success. After all, I'm the one who told them about the programs, created the groups, etc! But, that's NOT how it works anymore than its my coach's responsibility to make sure I succeed. It's MY responsibility. Just like it is THEIRS. 

This post is about letting go of an unhealthy idea of control. 

1. I am not in control and therefore I'm not responsible for others' success. (Not even my daughter's hand issues.) I take on the blame. I worry that it's all my fault, like I've done something wrong for/to her or my challengers...but that's not true! I do my best every day and yes, I fuck up, but it's not my responsibility to be sure everyone lives a perfectly healthy life. All I can do is be supportive! I feel so much better this morning and far more patient with my daughter because I've relinquished that. When we feel we are to blame, we get defensive. When we realize it's not our fault, we tend to be supportive. 

I firmly believe I'll do more for others by simply being supportive, rather than responsible. 

2. I cannot live my life FOR others anymore (except to be the best mother and wife and HUMAN I can). I cannot make them the center of my world, because I have to set my own house in order! I spent a full year doing what I thought was best for others, while only brushing on ideas, topics, & studies that mean the world to me. I've been hiding too long. It's time for me to just be me. I must do what I enjoy, because in the end, that's what matters. That's what remains. So, if everyone leaves my presence, I still know who the hell I am in this world. 

So...this is what I'm doing. I'm still a Beachbody coach. I'm still here for my people, but in a whole other capacity. I am NOT responsible for their success or their failure, they are. All I can do is be supportive, but I'll no longer take the blame. 

This is me, declaring my independence from co-dependency. So mote it be.